What is normal?

Normal is defined as conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern.  There is a lot I could write about on this subject. It's hard to know what is normal - abusers are often manipulative and when it's a relative, someone that you love and trust,  it's also confusing.

When I was a kid,  I thought that being touched by my dad was "normal".... as normal as helping my dad sand on the fenders on his '41 Ford pickup. I assumed that this was happening to my friends too (and as it turns out it actually did happen to a couple of them.) I don't remember when it became more than just touching or the exact moment that I realized that this behavior is not normal and it is not okay.... but I do recall one of the very first times that there was penetration - I cried and screamed so he put a pillow over my face.  The more I resisted, the more physical and emotional abuse he inflicted. 

After I had disclosed about the abuse I remember thinking that I was "damaged goods" - obviously what I went through is not a "normal" experience (seems to be becoming the norm these days with so many stories on the news but I will save that for another day.)  I remember wondering if I would ever find someone that would want to date me and not think that I was some kind of freak....  Like I said in my blog about faith - God puts the right people in your life at the right time... and He did just that. I spent a lot of time at my Grandma's and it's where I met John. I wrote him a letter and explained about my dad. One of the first times I really felt like I was not worthless was when I heard his voice on the other end of the phone line; even after he read the letter.  I had my first sexual experience, outside of the abuse, with him and that probably has a lot to do with the connection I feel with him. I always come back around to the fact that he did not reject me and acceptance is a really big deal to an abuse victim.  He has drifted in and out of my life over the years but he has always remained close to my heart. Regardless of the psychological reasons, I will forever be grateful for my dear friend.