Thursday, July 5, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
Excuses
Came across a discussion on Facebook this morning about excuses made by child abusers and made for child abusers by family and friends.
Some of the common excuses listed are they were drunk, they are depressed, they are going through a hard time, they didn't know it was wrong, and they said they were sorry. The post continues by stating that there is no excuses for abusing a child.
While I agree that there should be no excuse for the abuse of a child - be it sexual, physical, or emotional - I also believe that we are all a product of our environment and the cycle of abuse will continue if the abused are not taught a different way to live and if they are denied a proper support system.
Now that doesn't mean that all kids who are sexually abused will become child molesters. They may be physically or emotionally abusive to other. They are likely to continue to be abused as well in other relationships because they lack the skills, knowledge, and courage to get out of those relationships. They simply do not know what a positive, healthy relationship looks like or feels like.
We are all scared by something but some of us have better coping skills and a strong solid support system. Not enough people are willing to step up to be the change or be that positive support system and role model for victims of abuse. Are you?
Some of the common excuses listed are they were drunk, they are depressed, they are going through a hard time, they didn't know it was wrong, and they said they were sorry. The post continues by stating that there is no excuses for abusing a child.
While I agree that there should be no excuse for the abuse of a child - be it sexual, physical, or emotional - I also believe that we are all a product of our environment and the cycle of abuse will continue if the abused are not taught a different way to live and if they are denied a proper support system.
Now that doesn't mean that all kids who are sexually abused will become child molesters. They may be physically or emotionally abusive to other. They are likely to continue to be abused as well in other relationships because they lack the skills, knowledge, and courage to get out of those relationships. They simply do not know what a positive, healthy relationship looks like or feels like.
We are all scared by something but some of us have better coping skills and a strong solid support system. Not enough people are willing to step up to be the change or be that positive support system and role model for victims of abuse. Are you?
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Passion
Sometimes I need a reminder that I am stronger than my fears and more confident than my doubts...The things that people say or the things that don't get said - especially by someone close to you - can rock your confidence. Sometimes people don't know how to be supportive and we just need a reminder not to let that detour our passion.
I was reminded this weekend that my passion is to share my story, to inspire others to heal and tell their story, and to end sexual abuse.
My daughter attended HOBY Nebraska - a great youth leadership program and she had the opportunity to listen to several speakers that touched her deeply. At the closing ceremony, I also had the opportunity to listen to one of the speakers - Lamarr Womble, the founder of Passion for Leadership.
His message is directed at students but it's powerful and applies to adults as well. Lamarr's message is about living life to the fullest, treating people with respect, taking advantage of all of your opportunities, and most importantly - finding your passion!
Too often people do not act on their passion because someone - friends, parents, teachers, family, etc. - tells them something negative like it can't be done or that they can't make any money doing that. Lamarr's message to students is that you don't have to wait to discover and act on your passion and it's okay if you passion doesn't make you any money - you can have a career to pay the bills and take action to fulfill your passion!
I believe that we are all a product of our environment. Not everyone grows up in a good environment but some find a way to overcome and live a better life. Others need help - to be shown a different way to live a happy and productive life.
I wish that all kids could hear the positive and supportive message that Passion for Leadership shared on Sunday. I know that I could have greatly benefited from it when I was in junior and senior high. It's taken me a long time to get to where I am now and I still stumble but don't we all?
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Abuse cover up
The cover up of sexual abuse has been going on for a very long time... Centuries in fact!
I recently read that Sigmund Frued uncovered an alarming number of females patients that has been sexually abused by affluent family members and after harsh rebuke and ridicule he turned those stories of abuse into his crazy theories.
Another example: The False Memory Syndrome Foundation (FMSF) was founded in 1992 by Pamela and Peter Freyd, after being accused of sexual abusing their now adult daughter when she was a child. Peter was a professor at the University of Pennsylvania.
We need to continue to discuss this difficult subject and take a stand against covering ups and fight for more sever punishments!
I recently read that Sigmund Frued uncovered an alarming number of females patients that has been sexually abused by affluent family members and after harsh rebuke and ridicule he turned those stories of abuse into his crazy theories.
Another example: The False Memory Syndrome Foundation (FMSF) was founded in 1992 by Pamela and Peter Freyd, after being accused of sexual abusing their now adult daughter when she was a child. Peter was a professor at the University of Pennsylvania.
We need to continue to discuss this difficult subject and take a stand against covering ups and fight for more sever punishments!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
7 Steps to 7 Friends
Hi, I found the booklet, "7 Steps to Protecting Our Children" at www.D2L.org, very helpful in becoming aware of the alarming prevalence and consequences of child sexual abuse. The booklet takes a common sense, pro-active approach to keeping children safe. I thought you might also find it informative and useful. If you know others whom you think should receive the booklet, please pass "7 Steps" along.
I really hope that you find this booklet as enlightening and beneficial as I did. If you would like spread this to 7 of your friends feel free to! Remember together we can do something about child sexual abuse one child at a time.
I really hope that you find this booklet as enlightening and beneficial as I did. If you would like spread this to 7 of your friends feel free to! Remember together we can do something about child sexual abuse one child at a time.
"Letting go of fear"
"Come clean with your biggest fears. Bringing them into the open and facing them head on is the only way that we can desensitize the power that they hold over us.
Commit yourself to finding the root of your anxiety. If you can’t do it yourself, get professional help through counseling or therapy. You’ll be glad you did."
This is from Dr. Meg Meeker's website - from her "10 Habits of Happy Mothers" book challenge and she is discussing mothers parenting out of fear. But this statement is relevant and practical for everyone!
One of my biggest fears is getting Alzheimer's disease like my Grandma. My dad's mom died in 2001 from complications due to the disease. I have read that it can be hereditary and often times patients remember or relive earlier years.
Writing this blog comes with a little fear. I realize that not everyone will be supportive but rejection and criticism can be difficult for anyone to accept. It's also not easy to be so open and vulnerable. I just watch the news and my commitment to reach out and help others and bring awareness to sexual abuse so that we can all work together to get tougher laws in place and more support for ALL victims and survivors - that is stronger than the fear of your possible negative reaction.
We are supposed to give our fears and worries over to God - sometimes that is easier said than done. Sometimes you do but they creep back into your mind. I'm still working on that.
http://www.megmeekermd.com/2012/03/challenge-week-9/
Commit yourself to finding the root of your anxiety. If you can’t do it yourself, get professional help through counseling or therapy. You’ll be glad you did."
This is from Dr. Meg Meeker's website - from her "10 Habits of Happy Mothers" book challenge and she is discussing mothers parenting out of fear. But this statement is relevant and practical for everyone!
One of my biggest fears is getting Alzheimer's disease like my Grandma. My dad's mom died in 2001 from complications due to the disease. I have read that it can be hereditary and often times patients remember or relive earlier years.
Writing this blog comes with a little fear. I realize that not everyone will be supportive but rejection and criticism can be difficult for anyone to accept. It's also not easy to be so open and vulnerable. I just watch the news and my commitment to reach out and help others and bring awareness to sexual abuse so that we can all work together to get tougher laws in place and more support for ALL victims and survivors - that is stronger than the fear of your possible negative reaction.
We are supposed to give our fears and worries over to God - sometimes that is easier said than done. Sometimes you do but they creep back into your mind. I'm still working on that.
http://www.megmeekermd.com/2012/03/challenge-week-9/
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
What is normal?
Normal is defined as conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern. There is a lot I could write about on this subject. It's hard to know what is normal - abusers are often manipulative and when it's a relative, someone that you love and trust, it's also confusing.
When I was a kid, I thought that being touched by my dad was "normal".... as normal as helping my dad sand on the fenders on his '41 Ford pickup. I assumed that this was happening to my friends too (and as it turns out it actually did happen to a couple of them.) I don't remember when it became more than just touching or the exact moment that I realized that this behavior is not normal and it is not okay.... but I do recall one of the very first times that there was penetration - I cried and screamed so he put a pillow over my face. The more I resisted, the more physical and emotional abuse he inflicted.
After I had disclosed about the abuse I remember thinking that I was "damaged goods" - obviously what I went through is not a "normal" experience (seems to be becoming the norm these days with so many stories on the news but I will save that for another day.) I remember wondering if I would ever find someone that would want to date me and not think that I was some kind of freak.... Like I said in my blog about faith - God puts the right people in your life at the right time... and He did just that. I spent a lot of time at my Grandma's and it's where I met John. I wrote him a letter and explained about my dad. One of the first times I really felt like I was not worthless was when I heard his voice on the other end of the phone line; even after he read the letter. I had my first sexual experience, outside of the abuse, with him and that probably has a lot to do with the connection I feel with him. I always come back around to the fact that he did not reject me and acceptance is a really big deal to an abuse victim. He has drifted in and out of my life over the years but he has always remained close to my heart. Regardless of the psychological reasons, I will forever be grateful for my dear friend.
When I was a kid, I thought that being touched by my dad was "normal".... as normal as helping my dad sand on the fenders on his '41 Ford pickup. I assumed that this was happening to my friends too (and as it turns out it actually did happen to a couple of them.) I don't remember when it became more than just touching or the exact moment that I realized that this behavior is not normal and it is not okay.... but I do recall one of the very first times that there was penetration - I cried and screamed so he put a pillow over my face. The more I resisted, the more physical and emotional abuse he inflicted.
After I had disclosed about the abuse I remember thinking that I was "damaged goods" - obviously what I went through is not a "normal" experience (seems to be becoming the norm these days with so many stories on the news but I will save that for another day.) I remember wondering if I would ever find someone that would want to date me and not think that I was some kind of freak.... Like I said in my blog about faith - God puts the right people in your life at the right time... and He did just that. I spent a lot of time at my Grandma's and it's where I met John. I wrote him a letter and explained about my dad. One of the first times I really felt like I was not worthless was when I heard his voice on the other end of the phone line; even after he read the letter. I had my first sexual experience, outside of the abuse, with him and that probably has a lot to do with the connection I feel with him. I always come back around to the fact that he did not reject me and acceptance is a really big deal to an abuse victim. He has drifted in and out of my life over the years but he has always remained close to my heart. Regardless of the psychological reasons, I will forever be grateful for my dear friend.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Faith
Even after everything I have been through, I have faith. It took me a long time to realize that when I felt alone and worthless; He was holding my hand and He gave me the strength and courage to get through it all.
I used to be angry and wonder how could God allow such things to happen. I believe that He puts the people that we need in our lives and everyone has a purpose.
Pastor talked about blame today. (I also believe He brings words and lessons to us at the exact moment we need to hear them.) Instead of blaming God or looking for someone else to blame for our problems we should be looking for how we can use our problems to help and encourage others. So today I am thankful for all I have been through and because we are all trying to survive something, I pray that I may help others.
Also read this today and wanted to share: "Whatever you're facing in life, or whatever is coming in your future, God has already given you the faith for it. It may not look like it, and you may not feel like you have what it takes to overcome, but faith in God isn't based on our circumstances or how we feel.
The enemy would like for you to believe that you don't have a chance in life, that you're too weak, too poor, too whatever. But God has a different view of you. God sees you through the eyes of love. He sees not what you can be, but what He has invested in you, not what you or others may see.
Seeing yourself the way God sees you leads to a life of overwhelming victory.
But it takes faith. You can't just hear that God loves you and sees you as His child, you have to believe it. It takes faith to move forward and overcome the challenges of life. And faith does you no good if you don't know how to release it. You have to release your faith in order for it to work.
We release faith through our words, actions and, of course, through prayer. It's up to us to act.
First John 4:4 is a scripture we quote a lot, and almost anytime I say this verse in a church or meeting, everybody claps and cheers. But how many people really believe that "He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world?"
The truth is, the One in you is greater and He loves you. So stretch your faith today and see yourself the way God sees you. It doesn't matter what the enemy wants you to see or how things might look. Our faith overcomes through the One who lives in us!
Prayer Starter: God, I believe that You love me and that You have given me the power to overcome. As Your child, I will act on the faith You have given me every day, trusting in You and overcoming any obstacle that comes my way." - Joyce Meyers; Promises For Your Everyday Life
"You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world." (1 John 4:4)
I used to be angry and wonder how could God allow such things to happen. I believe that He puts the people that we need in our lives and everyone has a purpose.
Pastor talked about blame today. (I also believe He brings words and lessons to us at the exact moment we need to hear them.) Instead of blaming God or looking for someone else to blame for our problems we should be looking for how we can use our problems to help and encourage others. So today I am thankful for all I have been through and because we are all trying to survive something, I pray that I may help others.
Also read this today and wanted to share: "Whatever you're facing in life, or whatever is coming in your future, God has already given you the faith for it. It may not look like it, and you may not feel like you have what it takes to overcome, but faith in God isn't based on our circumstances or how we feel.
The enemy would like for you to believe that you don't have a chance in life, that you're too weak, too poor, too whatever. But God has a different view of you. God sees you through the eyes of love. He sees not what you can be, but what He has invested in you, not what you or others may see.
Seeing yourself the way God sees you leads to a life of overwhelming victory.
But it takes faith. You can't just hear that God loves you and sees you as His child, you have to believe it. It takes faith to move forward and overcome the challenges of life. And faith does you no good if you don't know how to release it. You have to release your faith in order for it to work.
We release faith through our words, actions and, of course, through prayer. It's up to us to act.
First John 4:4 is a scripture we quote a lot, and almost anytime I say this verse in a church or meeting, everybody claps and cheers. But how many people really believe that "He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world?"
The truth is, the One in you is greater and He loves you. So stretch your faith today and see yourself the way God sees you. It doesn't matter what the enemy wants you to see or how things might look. Our faith overcomes through the One who lives in us!
Prayer Starter: God, I believe that You love me and that You have given me the power to overcome. As Your child, I will act on the faith You have given me every day, trusting in You and overcoming any obstacle that comes my way." - Joyce Meyers; Promises For Your Everyday Life
"You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world." (1 John 4:4)
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Myths and Facts
Myths and Facts about Childhood Sexual Abuse (http://www.lfsneb.org/behavioralhealth/sexualabuse/myths.asp)
Myth: Children are most likely to be sexually abused by a stranger.
FACT: Four out of five cases of child sexual abuse occur by someone known to the child. Statistically, 80% to 85% of the child sexual abuse in the United States is perpetrated by a familiar individual to the victim. The perpetrator is often related to the child. Less than 20% of abusers are strangers.
Myth: Sex abusers are dirty old men.
FACT: A sex abuser's average age is 32. Any individual - male or female - can be a sexual abuser.
Myth: Sex abuse only happens in poor, uneducated socioeconomic groups.
FACT: Sexual abuse cuts across all boundaries - socioeconomic status, race, geographic area, gender, and educational level - equally.
Myth: All offenders are male, all victims are female.
FACT: While the majority of offenders are male, female offenders are not rare. The majority of reported victims are female, but evidence shows increasing reports of male victims. Girls and boys are both seriously at risk for incest and sexual abuse.
Myth: Occurrences of sexual abuse and incest are rare in the United States.
FACT: Incest is more common than most people dare to believe. Clinicians and researchers estimate that one million or more children under the age of 18 are currently involved in incestuous relationships. A national study in 1986 indicated that 35% of all children under age 18 had been sexually abused.
Myth: A discussion of sexual abuse will just frighten children.
FACT: It is important for children to receive information about sexual assault for their own protection. Inaccurate or no information is more damaging to children.
Myth: Family sexual abuse is an isolated, one-time incident.
FACT: For most victims, the abuse continues for years. In most cases, the offender will not stop until there is an intervention.
Myth: Sexual abuse victims are "damaged goods" and their lives are ruined forever.
FACT: While sexual abuse is incredibly damaging, victims are not "damaged goods." Healing is easiest when the intervention is immediate and appropriate therapy is provided. For adults who have repressed memories, the recovery process can be lengthy. However, all victims of abuse can become fully functioning, healthy children and adults. There is great hope for us all in facing and healing sexual abuse.
References:
Ellen Bass & Laura Davis, The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, 1988.
Vanderbilt, H., "Incest: A Chilling Report", Lear's February, 1992.
The Rape and Sexual Assault Center, Child Sexual Abuse Treatment Program. 612-825-HELP ( 4357), 1222 W. 31st Street, Minneapolis, MN
Spelman, C. (1993). Talking about Childhood Sexual Abuse. National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse.
Myth: Children are most likely to be sexually abused by a stranger.
FACT: Four out of five cases of child sexual abuse occur by someone known to the child. Statistically, 80% to 85% of the child sexual abuse in the United States is perpetrated by a familiar individual to the victim. The perpetrator is often related to the child. Less than 20% of abusers are strangers.
Myth: Sex abusers are dirty old men.
FACT: A sex abuser's average age is 32. Any individual - male or female - can be a sexual abuser.
Myth: Sex abuse only happens in poor, uneducated socioeconomic groups.
FACT: Sexual abuse cuts across all boundaries - socioeconomic status, race, geographic area, gender, and educational level - equally.
Myth: All offenders are male, all victims are female.
FACT: While the majority of offenders are male, female offenders are not rare. The majority of reported victims are female, but evidence shows increasing reports of male victims. Girls and boys are both seriously at risk for incest and sexual abuse.
Myth: Occurrences of sexual abuse and incest are rare in the United States.
FACT: Incest is more common than most people dare to believe. Clinicians and researchers estimate that one million or more children under the age of 18 are currently involved in incestuous relationships. A national study in 1986 indicated that 35% of all children under age 18 had been sexually abused.
Myth: A discussion of sexual abuse will just frighten children.
FACT: It is important for children to receive information about sexual assault for their own protection. Inaccurate or no information is more damaging to children.
Myth: Family sexual abuse is an isolated, one-time incident.
FACT: For most victims, the abuse continues for years. In most cases, the offender will not stop until there is an intervention.
Myth: Sexual abuse victims are "damaged goods" and their lives are ruined forever.
FACT: While sexual abuse is incredibly damaging, victims are not "damaged goods." Healing is easiest when the intervention is immediate and appropriate therapy is provided. For adults who have repressed memories, the recovery process can be lengthy. However, all victims of abuse can become fully functioning, healthy children and adults. There is great hope for us all in facing and healing sexual abuse.
References:
Ellen Bass & Laura Davis, The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, 1988.
Vanderbilt, H., "Incest: A Chilling Report", Lear's February, 1992.
The Rape and Sexual Assault Center, Child Sexual Abuse Treatment Program. 612-825-HELP ( 4357), 1222 W. 31st Street, Minneapolis, MN
Spelman, C. (1993). Talking about Childhood Sexual Abuse. National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Forgiven
It took me nearly ten years to be able face my dad and to forgive my dad. And when it happened it wasn't something I had even been contemplating.
My brother was the messenger between me and our dad. My dad continued to try, more or less, to buy my love and I took advantage of it when I needed to. My feelings were: After all, he owed me for what he had done to me! Anyway, this particular time the only way my dad would give me any money was if I met with him. That was more frightening than having to tell my mom what he had been doing to me! But the more I thought about it the more I had this overwhelming need to face him.
This was after my divorce and the guy I was dating encouraged, or rather pushed me, to go meet with him. I think his main interest may have been focused more on the money I would be getting rather than how it would be beneficial for me. We drove across town to my dad's house. I couldn't stop shaking and I felt sick to my stomach. I was scared to death as I knocked on the door. Then he answered.
When he opened the door and I saw him standing there I remember thinking that he was not nearly as scary in real life as he had been in my mind for all these years. It seemed he was more scared or nervous than me. We visited for a short time but I couldn't tell you what we talked about. I just remember that i kept thinking to myself: "why have I been afraid of this person for so long?"
Today I don't try to have a relationship with my dad. He has not changed - he still made promises he didn't keep. And although when I disclosed he turned himself in and admitted to molesting me, he mentioned in a conversation that he didn't recall things happening the same as the account I gave to the investigators. He is still in denial that what he did to me was a terribly traumatic event. He doesn't get it.
The other reason... My dad's youngest brother, my Uncle Marty, passed away and before the cancer took him we had the chance to say good-by to him. He died at home in early December 2002. While we were all gathered at my uncle's house my dad made a comment to me that if he ever got sick like my uncle he wanted me to be the one to take care of him and not his girlfriend or her kids. I was offended and angry. I mean, my uncle lays dying in the next room - I had my turn to see him and say good-by - and was in shock to see the man I remembered as a giant withered to skin and bones. I remember thinking how unfair it was - that he didn't deserve this; that his kids didn't deserve to loose their dad. I wished that I could trade places with my cousins and let it be my dad laying there dying instead of theirs. My uncle told me not to cry for him so I cried for his kids and his wife.
I also believe that what he did has made me a stranger to some of my family on his side. I have seen my dad since my uncle passed away but I make no effort to be apart of his life.
It's hard for a daughter to not have a father; a Strong father in her life. I have read "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters" by Dr. Meg Meeker (another book I recommend) and I realize what I have missed out on all of my life. I know that everything happens for a reason but I do wish that I had read this book before I had my kids so that I'd know what a father was supposed to be like.
You can read a small portion of the book at
http://www.amazon.com/Strong-Fathers-Daughters-Secrets-Father/dp/1596980125#
My brother was the messenger between me and our dad. My dad continued to try, more or less, to buy my love and I took advantage of it when I needed to. My feelings were: After all, he owed me for what he had done to me! Anyway, this particular time the only way my dad would give me any money was if I met with him. That was more frightening than having to tell my mom what he had been doing to me! But the more I thought about it the more I had this overwhelming need to face him.
This was after my divorce and the guy I was dating encouraged, or rather pushed me, to go meet with him. I think his main interest may have been focused more on the money I would be getting rather than how it would be beneficial for me. We drove across town to my dad's house. I couldn't stop shaking and I felt sick to my stomach. I was scared to death as I knocked on the door. Then he answered.
When he opened the door and I saw him standing there I remember thinking that he was not nearly as scary in real life as he had been in my mind for all these years. It seemed he was more scared or nervous than me. We visited for a short time but I couldn't tell you what we talked about. I just remember that i kept thinking to myself: "why have I been afraid of this person for so long?"
Today I don't try to have a relationship with my dad. He has not changed - he still made promises he didn't keep. And although when I disclosed he turned himself in and admitted to molesting me, he mentioned in a conversation that he didn't recall things happening the same as the account I gave to the investigators. He is still in denial that what he did to me was a terribly traumatic event. He doesn't get it.
The other reason... My dad's youngest brother, my Uncle Marty, passed away and before the cancer took him we had the chance to say good-by to him. He died at home in early December 2002. While we were all gathered at my uncle's house my dad made a comment to me that if he ever got sick like my uncle he wanted me to be the one to take care of him and not his girlfriend or her kids. I was offended and angry. I mean, my uncle lays dying in the next room - I had my turn to see him and say good-by - and was in shock to see the man I remembered as a giant withered to skin and bones. I remember thinking how unfair it was - that he didn't deserve this; that his kids didn't deserve to loose their dad. I wished that I could trade places with my cousins and let it be my dad laying there dying instead of theirs. My uncle told me not to cry for him so I cried for his kids and his wife.
I also believe that what he did has made me a stranger to some of my family on his side. I have seen my dad since my uncle passed away but I make no effort to be apart of his life.
It's hard for a daughter to not have a father; a Strong father in her life. I have read "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters" by Dr. Meg Meeker (another book I recommend) and I realize what I have missed out on all of my life. I know that everything happens for a reason but I do wish that I had read this book before I had my kids so that I'd know what a father was supposed to be like.
You can read a small portion of the book at
http://www.amazon.com/Strong-Fathers-Daughters-Secrets-Father/dp/1596980125#
Disclosure...
Before I disclosed I thought the only way to end the abuse was for me to end my life. I remember that my mom was going out of town - I was desperate and I took too many Tylenol and Sudafed. I remember writing a note - hoping my mom would find it before she left and not make me stay at home with my dad. I woke up the next day (felt comparable to a really bad hangover) and my mom had already left. I told my dad that I tried to kill myself by taking pills... because i wanted the abuse to end. He apologized and promised me that he wouldn't touch me again - the abuse was over - for good this time.
But once again, he broke his promise.
The abuse usually occurred in the early mornings before he went to work (my mom and my brother were sleeping). Sometimes it would happen after school; my mom was still at work and my brother was outside playing (not always aware he was locked out anyway).
I had contemplated running away or trying to kill my dad before trying to commit suicide.
I remember the day that I told my mom - shortly after he promised it wouldn't happen anymore, my dad called me from work.... I cannot tell you what was said but I recall the panic that I felt and started calling my mom at work. Every time I called she was in a meeting or something and it seemed to be taking forever for her to call me back. When she finally did I think I just blurted out that dad had been making me have sex with him. From there it's kind of a blur... My mom came home and took us to stay with my aunt in Bennington. I can't even tell you how long we stayed there.
My dad turned himself in and admitted the sexual abuse. He moved out and my parents divorced. We spent my high school years in therapy.
But once again, he broke his promise.
The abuse usually occurred in the early mornings before he went to work (my mom and my brother were sleeping). Sometimes it would happen after school; my mom was still at work and my brother was outside playing (not always aware he was locked out anyway).
I had contemplated running away or trying to kill my dad before trying to commit suicide.
I remember the day that I told my mom - shortly after he promised it wouldn't happen anymore, my dad called me from work.... I cannot tell you what was said but I recall the panic that I felt and started calling my mom at work. Every time I called she was in a meeting or something and it seemed to be taking forever for her to call me back. When she finally did I think I just blurted out that dad had been making me have sex with him. From there it's kind of a blur... My mom came home and took us to stay with my aunt in Bennington. I can't even tell you how long we stayed there.
My dad turned himself in and admitted the sexual abuse. He moved out and my parents divorced. We spent my high school years in therapy.
Monday, March 12, 2012
I am a survivor
I am not a victim... I am a survivor. What is the difference?
A victim is defined as a person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action or agency or a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency.
A survivor is defined as a person who contiunues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks.
I am a survivor because my mom believed me. I am a survivor because my family loves and supports me. I am a survivor because of the therapy I received throughout high school. I am a survivor because I forgave my dad - not for him but for me. I am a survivor because I can talk about my story without shame or guilt.
For those of you that suffer in silence please know that you are not alone.
A victim is defined as a person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action or agency or a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency.
A survivor is defined as a person who contiunues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks.
I am a survivor because my mom believed me. I am a survivor because my family loves and supports me. I am a survivor because of the therapy I received throughout high school. I am a survivor because I forgave my dad - not for him but for me. I am a survivor because I can talk about my story without shame or guilt.
For those of you that suffer in silence please know that you are not alone.
My earliest memory...
My abuser was my dad. The earliest memory I have is of him telling me not to tell anyone; that it was our secret. I was about five years old and it started with inappropriate touching. The older I got the worse the abuse became and it continued through junior high.
I recently read "Hooked; New Science On How Casual Sex Is Affecting Our Children" by Joe S. McIlhaney, Jr., MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD. McIlhaney founded The Medical Institute for Sexual Health to study the science of human sexual behavior and its consequences. In the introduction they explain "Modern neuroscience research has uncovered startling new information about how sex affects our brains. The effect of sex on our brains can have all sorts of consequences, including many that scientists are still working to understand. But we do know that sex can literally change a person's brain, influencing the thought process and affecting future decisions. And therein lies both the benefit and the risk. When sex is experienced in healthy ways it adds great value and satisfaction to life, but when experienced in unhealthy ways, at the wrong time, it can damage vital aspects of who we are as human beings." I highly recommend you read this book.
For me this book gave some clarity to a number of social problems. If you've ever watched a documentary on prostitutes or runaways you will hear a majority of them disclose abuse. I believe we are all a product of our environment and so few are as blessed as I am to have a loving and supportive family. Victims often turn to sex and stay in abusive relationships because that is all they know. Or they turn to drugs or alochol to try to forget.
The brain also works to protect us from the trauma by blocking out some of those memories. Some of my memories are fuzzy and some are very clear. There are things that trigger memories. For example, my dad worked for a company that produced iron pipes and he carried that smell of moulent iron on his clothes and skin. So sometimes when I catch a whiff of that smell it will trigger a flashback.
Fortunatly for me, my mom made sure that I received the right support and therapy all through high school. She was and still is my hero.
( http://www.medinstitute.org/products/item14.cfm )
I recently read "Hooked; New Science On How Casual Sex Is Affecting Our Children" by Joe S. McIlhaney, Jr., MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD. McIlhaney founded The Medical Institute for Sexual Health to study the science of human sexual behavior and its consequences. In the introduction they explain "Modern neuroscience research has uncovered startling new information about how sex affects our brains. The effect of sex on our brains can have all sorts of consequences, including many that scientists are still working to understand. But we do know that sex can literally change a person's brain, influencing the thought process and affecting future decisions. And therein lies both the benefit and the risk. When sex is experienced in healthy ways it adds great value and satisfaction to life, but when experienced in unhealthy ways, at the wrong time, it can damage vital aspects of who we are as human beings." I highly recommend you read this book.
For me this book gave some clarity to a number of social problems. If you've ever watched a documentary on prostitutes or runaways you will hear a majority of them disclose abuse. I believe we are all a product of our environment and so few are as blessed as I am to have a loving and supportive family. Victims often turn to sex and stay in abusive relationships because that is all they know. Or they turn to drugs or alochol to try to forget.
The brain also works to protect us from the trauma by blocking out some of those memories. Some of my memories are fuzzy and some are very clear. There are things that trigger memories. For example, my dad worked for a company that produced iron pipes and he carried that smell of moulent iron on his clothes and skin. So sometimes when I catch a whiff of that smell it will trigger a flashback.
Fortunatly for me, my mom made sure that I received the right support and therapy all through high school. She was and still is my hero.
( http://www.medinstitute.org/products/item14.cfm )
Sunday, March 11, 2012
I have zeal.
Today in church I learned that sometimes anger is a good thing. We listened as Pastor told us how Jesus drove the merchants from the temple on two occasions and he did so not just with anger but with zeal. He certainly had more to his sermon but the point that I got from it was that anger put to good use and done so with passion can be good and that is what I intend with this blog.
I get angry every time I see a story on the news about another child coming forward with allegations of abuse. Why is our justice system not doing more to protect children? If the children are our future then what kind of future are we to have if so many children are suffering the affects of abuse; be it physical, mental, or sexual? Who will take a stand and help to put an end to this vicious cycle?
My passion or zeal is rooted in the trauma I suffered growing up. It started when I was only about five years old. I would like to tell you my story and share with you what it is like to be a SURVIVOR of child sexual abuse.
I know that for some the subject of sexual abuse is a difficult one to talk about and even to just hear about but how many children will suffer in silence if we don't speak up? I hope that you will continue to follow my blog and share it with others.
I get angry every time I see a story on the news about another child coming forward with allegations of abuse. Why is our justice system not doing more to protect children? If the children are our future then what kind of future are we to have if so many children are suffering the affects of abuse; be it physical, mental, or sexual? Who will take a stand and help to put an end to this vicious cycle?
My passion or zeal is rooted in the trauma I suffered growing up. It started when I was only about five years old. I would like to tell you my story and share with you what it is like to be a SURVIVOR of child sexual abuse.
I know that for some the subject of sexual abuse is a difficult one to talk about and even to just hear about but how many children will suffer in silence if we don't speak up? I hope that you will continue to follow my blog and share it with others.
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
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