Forgiven

It took me nearly ten years to be able face my dad and to forgive my dad. And when it happened it wasn't something I had even been contemplating.

My brother was the messenger between me and our dad. My dad continued to try, more or less, to buy my love and I took advantage of it when I needed to. My feelings were: After all, he owed me for what he had done to me!  Anyway, this particular time the only way my dad would give me any money was if I met with him. That was more frightening than having to tell my mom what he had been doing to me! But the more I thought about it the more I had this overwhelming need to face him.
This was after my divorce and the guy I was dating encouraged, or rather pushed me, to go meet with him. I think his main interest may have been focused more on the money I would be getting rather than how it would be beneficial for me. We drove across town to my dad's house. I couldn't stop shaking and I felt sick to my stomach. I was scared to death as I knocked on the door. Then he answered.

When he opened the door and I saw him standing there I remember thinking that he was not nearly as scary in real life as he had been in my mind for all these years. It seemed he was more scared or nervous than me. We visited for a short time but I couldn't tell you what we talked about. I just remember that i kept thinking to myself: "why have I been afraid of this person for so long?"

Today I don't try to have a relationship with my dad.  He has not changed - he still made promises he didn't keep.  And although when I disclosed he turned himself in and admitted to molesting me, he mentioned in a conversation that he didn't recall things happening the same as the account I gave to the investigators. He is still in denial that what he did to me was a terribly traumatic event. He doesn't get it.

The other reason... My dad's youngest brother, my Uncle Marty, passed away and before the cancer took him we had the chance to say good-by to him. He died at home in early December 2002.  While we were all gathered at my uncle's house my dad made a comment to me that if he ever got sick like my uncle he wanted me to be the one to take care of him and not his girlfriend or her kids. I was offended and angry. I mean, my uncle lays dying in the next room - I had my turn to see him and say good-by - and was in shock to see the man I remembered as a giant withered to skin and bones.  I remember thinking how unfair it was - that he didn't deserve this; that his kids didn't deserve to loose their dad. I wished that I could trade places with my cousins and let it be my dad laying there dying instead of theirs. My uncle told me not to cry for him so I cried for his kids and his wife.

I also believe that what he did has made me a stranger to some of my family on his side. I have seen my dad since my uncle passed away but I make no effort to be apart of his life.

It's hard for a daughter to not have a father; a Strong father in her life. I have read "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters" by Dr. Meg Meeker (another book I recommend)  and I realize what I have missed out on all of my life.  I know that everything happens for a reason but I do wish that I had read this book before I had my kids so that I'd know what a father was supposed to be like.

You can read a small portion of the book at
http://www.amazon.com/Strong-Fathers-Daughters-Secrets-Father/dp/1596980125#