Before I disclosed I thought the only way to end the abuse was for me to end my life. I remember that my mom was going out of town - I was desperate and I took too many Tylenol and Sudafed. I remember writing a note - hoping my mom would find it before she left and not make me stay at home with my dad. I woke up the next day (felt comparable to a really bad hangover) and my mom had already left. I told my dad that I tried to kill myself by taking pills... because i wanted the abuse to end. He apologized and promised me that he wouldn't touch me again - the abuse was over - for good this time.
But once again, he broke his promise.
The abuse usually occurred in the early mornings before he went to work (my mom and my brother were sleeping). Sometimes it would happen after school; my mom was still at work and my brother was outside playing (not always aware he was locked out anyway).
I had contemplated running away or trying to kill my dad before trying to commit suicide.
I remember the day that I told my mom - shortly after he promised it wouldn't happen anymore, my dad called me from work.... I cannot tell you what was said but I recall the panic that I felt and started calling my mom at work. Every time I called she was in a meeting or something and it seemed to be taking forever for her to call me back. When she finally did I think I just blurted out that dad had been making me have sex with him. From there it's kind of a blur... My mom came home and took us to stay with my aunt in Bennington. I can't even tell you how long we stayed there.
My dad turned himself in and admitted the sexual abuse. He moved out and my parents divorced. We spent my high school years in therapy.
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